We've all been there - that funk after an adrenaline rush, post-holiday blues, the comedown after a big concert, yet I still feel ridiculous and slightly guilty for writing this, so please bear with me. As many of you would have seen on my social media platforms and through my previous blog, I spent World Mental Health Day at Buckingham Palace. The evening itself was absolutely unbelievable and it has provided me memories that will last a lifetime, and I will probably (definitely) be bringing it up all the time, name dropping Stephen Fry as every conversation starter.
So why do I feel so bloody sad?
This was an absolutely amazing night, honestly the best night of my life and I worry that writing this makes me sound ungrateful, but that couldn't be further from the truth, I am more grateful than you could imagine and I think my previous blog about the palace shows that. This is something I really struggle to talk about, again through fear that I will sound like a spoilt brat, and undeserving of such a fantastic and wished for opportunity, when I already constantly doubt my worth of such opportunities. It's not just now though, this isn't an unusual occurrence for me, it just happens to be a very significant example. I am becoming so increasingly frustrated. When I have a 'significant' positive event, it usually leads me to an incredible peak in mood, elation, not through ill health, simply through an empowering moment. Bipolar is so often talked about in 'black and white' terms, either 'depressed or manic', but there is far more of a spectrum involved, lots of shades of grey.
Being at Buckingham Palace led me to a huge moment of reflection, taking in all that was around me, but also how far I had come in just the last year alone. Before beginning my campaigning journey I was closed off, self-isolating, ashamed and embarrassed. Yet, now here I was standing in the most beautiful house in the country, surrounded by royals, celebrities and most importantly for me, like minded and passionate individuals. What a memorable evening it was, tears of pride, of joy, of pure happiness. I was beaming with pride of everyone that was there that evening and those that were there in spirit, fighting the good battle with their wonderful campaigning.
SO WHY AM I SAD?!
Heck, the invite is already framed, photos are on order and I've been telling everyone about the evening, it makes me beyond happy and I would not have changed it for the world. It was definitely worth feeling like this for a few days afterwards for that one incredible, magical evening.
SERIOUSLY WHY AM I SAD?!
I left the palace Tuesday evening on such a massive buzz, hugely pumped, ready to change the world, and don't get me wrong I am still pumped to change and campaign, but it came crashing down into a depression 'dip', not a full blown episode, but lower than my 'normal'. I am back to laying in bed, not taking care of myself, not eating, drinking or washing my hair and just feeling utterly crap. This mixed with the feelings of guilt for feeling sad after such an incredible event is leading to more and more frustration, because right now should be a time that I am happiest. Mental illness doesn't even stop for the royals, aye!
For such a long time I believed that I was the only one that experienced these 'Happiness Hangovers', but it seems far more common than I realised. Huge events led to a rush of endorphins, adrenaline, a sensory overload. But what goes up, comes down, at least for me that's definitely the case. However, in this situation, the down is definitely worth the amazing experience I was honoured enough to have.
If you've had a similar experience of a period of low after a positive event, I'd love to hear from you!